The spoken word

I've been in the process of re-evaluating my time here at IHOP. It has been a full 5 months thus far and I want to look back and highlight some of what the Lord has done. For starters, I came here to IHOP to really find myself, feel confident in who I am and how God feels about me, to find freedom in worship and to learn more about who He is. After asking the Lord to take me where He wants to take me, I never would have imagined Him leading me where He did. He is so wise in His leading!

To begin, I've had a lack of self-confidence which has resulted in me not sharing whats on my heart with others. I never thought that my voice really mattered enough that people would take what I said as legit or worth listening to, instead I saw it as weak with broken words/phrases- I realize now that I was just believing a lot of lies about my voice. This was a problem because deep down inside, I've always really wanted to preach/teach people the truths of the gospel and be a light in the darkest places, but this confidence had to be built on a strong foundation of identity: to know who God is and how He views me. Anyways, despite the awkward tension that I feel inside when its time for me to open my heart and be vulnerable, God has been showing me not to fear rejection from others but to lean into Him knowing that He wants to hear my voice in the secret place and has a grand plan that I can be a part of.

I have found that the most powerful thing that I've experienced being down here at IHOP has been speaking and agreeing with the the truths of scripture-especially over myself. I'm beginning to realize that I've kept my mouth shut for far too long- for fear of man/ fear of judgement or being thought of as stupid because of what I said. The Lord has been drawing me to the place of prayer and of speaking my thoughts and prayers out loud instead of just 'thinking' them (I did this for too many years, thinking that since God knows all my thoughts and what I want/need before I ask for them, what's the point of always speaking them out loud?). This was definitely an attack of the enemy to keep my mouth shut. There is power in the spoken word... look at Genesis 1- He created the universe by His Word! The book of James talks alot about putting a guard on your speech because we (as stewards of the Word) have the ability to speak life or death with our words- to bless or curse. And speaking the truth of the Word and God's heart over myself has been the area of most of the breakthrough that I've received... its that simple. I should have caught onto this years ago. The power of the spoken word goes to all areas of life- even my best method to study and remember material for tests/exams is by reading it out loud to teach myself or whoever is around who will listen. (My family has been victim to that for many a year!) :).

But even here at IHOP, I've felt a tension when it came to unloading my thoughts and what the Lord is doing in my heart onto others; thus I was more reserved. I believe that God set it up that way so that I would come more to Him in prayer even in the littlest things. He is so jealous for me and my time. He really wants to hear my voice and talk with me! And even when I was feeling awkward about how to say things to people, I know that the Lord's hand was on me. Now, He's showing me that I can and should testify even of the small revelations I receive and how this really helps others in the body of Christ to grow; to open up and testify even in weakness is actually loving and serving them. And the flipside of that is when one keeps from sharing what the Lord is doing in them, this results in holding back others from growing as much as they could. When we each share what we've been learning or going through, we get a fuller picture of what the Lord is doing and not only that but when one shares a thought/revelation it can stir up something new in another and we can spur each other to grow deeper in the Lord! I tell ya, there is power in our words and the sharing of our testimony!

His blood is enough

I've made some big mistakes in my past and the thoughts of me screwing up so bad have held me back from being confident in myself in other areas. There was one particular instance from school that comes to mind when I totally messed up. I did a project with good intentions but presented the information incorrectly-failing to give credit where credit was due. I've felt convicted of it ever since. I've asked the Lord for forgiveness time and time again, but I still haven't had peace over the whole matter. Just recently, I realized that its because I've struggled with unforgiveness-over myself! I've sat around in shame just hoping that I would forget the whole matter and one day maybe have the strength to rise above my thoughts and convictions. But, I felt the Lord whisper to me Alana, you have to forgive yourself. The thing is, I hate making mistakes and don't want to let it happen again! Alas, I am human and I know that making mistakes is inevitable. It's what we do afterwards that makes the difference. As of right now, I will rise up from the shame and condemnation that I've held over myself and choose to release forgiveness.

Surrender:

“Jesus, let Your blood cover me. Forgive me for not being a faithful witness. I deceived people into thinking that I had it all together. I didn't have it all together; infact, I messed up big time. But I know that You love me and have forgiven me. I know that there is no sin that is too great for you to cover. Jesus, You paid it all in full. I thank you God for your forgiveness. Thank you for giving me a second chance, even though I know I'm going to make more mistakes in this journey. You are so kind with me. You pick me up when I fall and then walk with me, right beside me as I try to please You and walk rightly. You are delighted with me though I can do nothing to make you love me more. Thank you for your faithfulness. Even as I type these words, tears fall down my face in thankfulness to you.

Lord, you truly deserve my all even though I struggle to give it all to You. You gave it ALL for me! You didn't hold anything back. And this was all because you wanted me to be with you. Because on my own, I could never have reached you. You are God, I am not. You see me in all perfection, beauty and glory because when you look at me, you see Your Son. His blood covers me in all my darkness&sin. How could I ever understand this sacrifice that you've made? When you look at me, you don't see all my darkness. I may be dark, but I am truly lovely to You. How could I ever thank you enough?! You are so good. Words can't describe the way you love me. And as far as the east is from the west, that's how far you've removed my transgressions from me. I stand forgiven, blameless before your eyes because the judgement and punishment that should have rightfully been mine, fell on You Jesus. You took it all upon Yourself.”

Today, I know that I've been set free. There are no more accusations in my mind against what I've done. The shame is gone- completely! What do I do now? I stand forgiven, washed clean by the blood of the lamb. I must stand and receive this love that is given so freely and allow it to overwhelm me. I see nothing of worth in my own heart but I will stand on the Word of God, knowing that He desires me and I will come before Him humbly knowing that all I have is a 'yes' in my heart to give to Him.

I choose not to remain laying down in my ashes because His love is greater! It's time to get up from the ashes and put on the garments of strength (Is.52:1-3).

To begin:

This will be the debut of the Alana blog! Welcome! Please enjoy your time here, post questions/ comments/ thoughts. My primary goals for starting this blog are: to share whats happening in my life and what the Lord is doing in my heart, as well as hopefully becoming inspired to write more and begin to love writing via a public outlet. So here we go! Buckle your seat belts for a wild ride!